The Mess of Life

For any and all of my readers, imaginary or existent, I apologize for my turn in tone lately. Things are changing for me and despite my formerly upbeat recipe posts and what not, life's a mess and that's what I promised to portray when I started this thing: the good, the bad, and the ugly. So here's another piece of my disastrous life and the redemptive, though skewed, beauty that comes when I reflect on it.

I met the most incredible person last year. We started talking, I started getting attached...we all know how the story goes for a girl my age. And now he's gone. Not forever, of course, but enough for me to get emotional as well as to realize that I'm a complete and total train wreck almost all the way around.
Sometimes I just need to know that someone's thinking about me. Maybe it's an 18-year old thing, maybe it's a female thing...maybe it's just me. Regardless of why, I've been feeling really sincerely needy over the past few weeks. Not that I haven't been obnoxiously needy before now, but it's different this time because I know it and I don't know what to do about it. I don't think that it's necessarily wrong; change is hard and the things I've been putting myself through have inspired personal changes that I never would have planned. Truth is, even though I'm making decisions on my own, I want someone to help me. Whether or not I'll push them away is an entirely different story, and I'm subconsciously unwilling to accept the fact that the root of my problem is that I don't want to grow up so fast. I need to--I'm supposed to--but I'm still fighting it.
I want someone to feel for what I'm going through and sympathize and walk me through it; I want to be wanted and coddled. But every so often it hits me: this is my journey, and I'm doing it all to and for myself. The one person I want to lean on the most is inaccessible and there's a reason for that: I've got to get myself on my feet. I've got a destiny, whatever that may be, and it doesn't include me living on a crutch. So here go the baby steps that are somehow going to propel me through the next 3 months as well as the rest of my years, no matter where they lead or what they hold.

trust issues

There's so much on my mind tonight and I don't even know how to organize this post. But here it goes.
Distrust is something I've struggled with all my life and this evening has just been one reminder of that after another. We've all got trust issues whether we like to admit it or not, and we all struggle with the reasons behind them as well as reasons for letting them go. They're impossible to escape, and their inevitability usually makes them appear undesirable.
I've never been afraid or ashamed to admit that I am filled to the brim with distrust, and I'm also not afraid to admit that I'm 100% okay with each and every ounce of it being there. It reminds me of my past, grounds me to my present, and excites me for my future. My innumerable amount of trust issues guard me and keep me alert consistently. I don't walk into a room trusting everyone in it, I actually walk in assuming nothing about anyone. Not distrusting in particular, but not trusting either. It's their job to earn my trust as well as to not lose it.
Well, now that I sound like a stone-cold, heartless bitch...whatever. It's the truth. And it works for me. Because while I can't say that I guard myself from all pain, I can never say that I trusted someone or something too much. I can always say that some piece of me, no matter how minuscule, always knew the truth. I think distrust is a necessary mechanism for existence as a living, breathing, fully-functioning human being. Without it, we are blind and completely vulnerable, which in my mind can't possibly be beneficial. Vulnerability is a fabulous thing in moderation; but, it is very true that distrust, which can seem like our nemesis, can often be our saving attribute.

And it continues...

“Tears stream down your face, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes...lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.” ~Coldplay

That song may or may not be relevant to where this goes at all...but it got me thinking today.
I thought my life had slowed down and things would go back to normal, but it turns out I was wrong. There’s always going to be someone who is affected more by a situation than anyone else. This weekend I went home for the first time since my incident (for those of you who are wondering, I might as well throw it out there: I gave myself alcohol poisoning.), and for the first time in a while I realized just what my purpose is. Not my whole purpose of course, but it’s pretty clear that I have a reason to be on this earth other than the obvious. In the back of my mind, I've always told myself that I wanted to impact people but I've never been able to figure out how to go about that. However, this weekend while having a conversation with a friend from church, I realized that I don’t have to be a preacher or a public figure to influence people, I simply have to live. I've always been able to connect with those younger than me whether they be babies, toddlers, children, or teenagers. During this conversation that opened my eyes, my friend reminded me that so many of the young people I've been loving on all these years have come to look up to me and idolize my actions. They look to me for fashion cues, ways of speaking, even approval in their extra-curricular activities. I've always hidden my mistakes from them because I want to be nothing less than perfect for them.

Actually, I've done that with everyone. But how can I have a real influence on anyone being fake? As soon as that thought entered my mind, I realized that I had two choices to make. Be real and hope that others can love me through and learn from the mistakes I've made, or continue giving my people a view of my life through rose-colored glasses. The right decision is pretty clear: accept my mistakes, put them behind me, and live--not a perfect life--but a life that I’m proud to advertise.

I remember in my pre-teen years when I met my very first role model: my 3^rd cousin (I think that’s how we’re related…maybe). She was tall, confident, beautiful, smart, and overall an incredible person; or at least that’s what I thought until I found out from my mom that she had gotten pregnant. Not that I think that having a child out of wedlock is a condemnatory thing, but at the time I had her on such a high pedestal that a slip-up like that crushed me. She had no idea and to this day probably still doesn't  but I know for a fact that my actions affect not only myself and my family, but also my “girls” and my babies.

I want to be their fortress, not the person whose problems they live and learn through.

I want them to want to emulate my life, not avoid it.

        

Just a few of the reasons I wrote this. And a few reminders that my life isn't just about me.

Learning the Hard Way

So ya know how in my last post, I mentioned how hasty decisions lead to unhappiness? Well it turns out that they lead to a whole lot more. Don't get me wrong, spontaneity is a great thing--in moderation.
We all know that when we make mistakes, we have to deal with the consequences. That truth becomes so much more real when your hasty, stupid decisions land your body in the hospital and your name in the mouth of everyone associated with your school. Yep, that was me. I'm not going into detail but just know that if you're told not to do something not only by the law, but also by your authority figures, it's probably best to listen.
Anyway, this week is probably going to end up being the week from hell for me. But it's really taught me a lot so far. I've cried more in the past two days than I have probably in the past year. That's sayin' something. I hardly ever cry in front of other people; not because I'm afraid to, but because showing emotion isn't my strong point. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I've turned myself into a brick wall for not only myself but those around me. Crying makes me feel weak and that's just not the way I want other people to see me, especially since I try to be a support system and a fortress for the people I love. However, after what I put myself through this weekend, I'm starting to realize that weakness isn't a bad thing. No one wants to seem weak, but there is a fine line between weakness and meekness and I think a lot of people confuse the two, one of those people being myself. I can be meek and still be strong. I can humble myself to handle my consequences the way I need to as opposed to hardening myself and being a bitch about it. And I found that once I started being honest with myself and those around me, I'm a lot less scared to face the consequences of my actions. I found that I have way more support than I expected, and I found that being able to step back and recognize the fact that I messed up is pretty refreshing after a lifetime of being angry whenever I was faced with a problem. Moral of this completely pieced together sort-of-story: it's possible to be strong without having to constantly be a hard ass. There is a time and place for that, but that does not include directly after you almost jeopardize your own life while simultaneously breaking the law. And now that life has bitch-slapped me across the face, I'm ready to face the week from hell because in the long run it's a learning experience that's only going to put me closer to where I need to be.

"...so when life gets tough, and it's hard to be strong, I'll never forget: Heaven is where I belong."

The Truth about Life

Surprise, surprise, I haven’t blogged in a while. But I’ve been doing some writing when I get deep in thought and I came up with something I thought was worth sharing and would serve as my re-introduction to the blogging world.

Just to catch you up on my life, I’m now a full-time freshman business major, vocal performance minor, student-athlete, friend, daughter, and sister. No surprise there, I’m overloading my plate. Again.

Anyways, life’s always been a struggle for me. Obviously, considering I’m still young and everything’s gonna be complicated. But I finally figured myself out halfway through my senior year, cleaned out my life, and started to live the way I needed to live: for me. I figured out who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. No longer a people-pleaser, I began to turn away from everyone and everything that held me back, and entering my first year of college, I planned to keep it that way. You see, I’ve always known that I was not meant to live for other people; but I never knew what that looked like. So here I am, reliving my last few months of high school which I spent holding on to every last ounce of willpower I had to keep myself from shutting down and giving up.

You see, I've learned that hasty decisions tend to lead to unhappiness. That’s how I ended up back on this roller coaster. I've also learned that there’s a difference between loving Jesus and pushing Jesus. I love Jesus, but I’m not going to push him on anyone. I believe that He has a plan for my life and that with every breath I’m living out another piece of that plan. But sharing my story isn’t my way of telling you how God works in my life. That story will tell itself. This story is one of how a shattered but strong human being gets through the day-to-day. It’s one to remind you that we have the power to fix our trouble and put the pieces together. I strongly believe that we never stop growing. Just when we think that everything is falling into place, the hammer’s going to come down again; we just have to be ready to put our big kid pants on and pull out the Gorilla Glue. So here I am, tough-as-nails, but fragile as the wing of a butterfly; an  emotionally rational college freshman, allowing you a direct access pass to the sloppy, beautiful disaster I like to call my life.

Another Apple Cake

This cake turned out much better than the last apple cake I made, and it was far simpler.

What you'll need:

2 cups Sugar

1 & 1/2 cups Oil

2 Eggs

2 teaspoons Vanilla

3 cups Apples, diced

3 cups Flour

1 teaspoon Baking Soda

1 teaspoon Salt

1 teaspoon Cinnamon

What you'll do:

1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees

2. Combine sugar, oil, eggs, and vanilla in a large mixing bowl

3. Combine the flour, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon in a small bowl

4. Add the flour mixture to the large bowl, alternating with the apples

5. Bake in a 9x13" pan for an hour or until a toothpick inserted down the center comes out clean

I'm caught up with my most recent recipes...I won't even bother with the ones from Christmas Break yet.

But more to come soon, I promise!!

NO BAKE COOKIES.

I made some very slight adjustments to the original recipe, but they made a world of difference in my opinion.

What you'll need:

1/2 cup Butter

2 cups Sugar

1/2 cup Milk

4 tablespoons Cocoa Powder

1/2 cup Peanut Butter (creamy or crunchy)

4 cups Oats

2 teaspoons Vanilla

2/3 cup Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips

What you'll do:

1. Combine the butter, sugar, milk, and cocoa in a saucepan and bring to a rolling boil, boiling for 2-3 minutes

2. Remove from heat and stir in the peanut butter and vanilla until smooth

3. Add oats and chocolate chips, and drop on wax paper by spoonfuls

4. Let cool until firm, then enjoy :)