Yes, I am a grown up

Greetings--from my floor, clad in sports bra & leggings, at 2 pm on a Tuesday afternoon. Blender Bottle in hand, laundry and dishwasher running, Ellie Goulding coming from the phone speaker. It's the middle of the week, I'm not working while these things are happening, and I, the actual Queen of Restlessness, am content. 

Last week a friend of mine asked me in passing what I want to be when I grow up. Immediately my brain sent up a red flag: "Home girl, you are grown up. Why are you being asked this question? Why can't you just pull it together?", but it only took about 30 seconds for that to reset. And directly following my self-criticism came a sense of gratitude.

I'm 21, three months away from 22. I'm a full time nanny, a part time event coordinator, a super randomly part time retail sales associate, I babysit probably more than is healthy for a person with three other jobs, I'm happily dating (also a full time thing), and I am somehow amidst all the above required to be around at home because I have a furbaby. I'm a classic example of someone who probably won't finish her Bachelors' until she's 35, and more than likely won't need it by then. In terms of having my ducks in a row, I'm the bottom of the totem pole; I'm potentially not even on it if we're being honest. Additionally, I have a strange case of panic disorder that only hits at the most obnoxious, inconvenient times. I can watch someone's leg get cut off and very calmly transport them to the hospital and fix it all in a matter of hours. But if my food takes too long at a restaurant? Or I hit traffic on an on-ramp? Or (so help me) my gas light comes on late at night? The leg thing comes back and suddenly it is a catastrophe and I will not survive. Moral of the story: I am a hot mess in every true sense of the term. But I work hard. And I'm driven. And I know what I want. And I know how to take the steps to get there. Does that mean they're all always successful steps? Absolutely not. I fall short often, and hard.

So why gratitude? Why not remain in that moment of self-deprecation? Because by the books, you'll find my story in the failure section. I didn't do it right. I didn't go through the motions properly, and I probably never will. But as I got over my moment of childish defensiveness, I realized something important. Yes, I am a grown up; but on the flip side of that: no, I am not required at this exact moment in my life to have it all together. As children, we hear the "what do you want to be when you grow up?" question countless times. We're expected to have an answer, no matter how generic or robotic. We're expected to repeat that answer and quietly receive the follow-up input that's inevitable from earlier generations. We're expected to listen to financial advice, lifestyle critique...an entire laundry list of things we may not even understand. There's this gap between the oxymoronically encouraged concepts of embracing one's youth and just growing up. Our twenties are supposed to be developmental, so why is it that in our twenties we're expected to be settled where we are?
I'm growing and learning to listen and filter what I'm told. The more I filter, the more I'm reminded that regardless of what anyone in my world expects of me, the only expectations I'm required to meet at this exact moment are my own. I've got huge goals for myself, there is no doubt of that. But guess what? I don't have to be there yet. I can look at a short-term goal right now. So my expectation for today is to be content. To be at peace. To be in this moment, on my yoga mat, in front of my computer, with my protein shake and my easy playlist and my sleeping puppy and to soak up every moment of being in this place. Because I'm 21, three months away from 22, and this too shall pass.