There's so much on my mind tonight and I don't even know how to organize this post. But here it goes.
Distrust is something I've struggled with all my life and this evening has just been one reminder of that after another. We've all got trust issues whether we like to admit it or not, and we all struggle with the reasons behind them as well as reasons for letting them go. They're impossible to escape, and their inevitability usually makes them appear undesirable.
I've never been afraid or ashamed to admit that I am filled to the brim with distrust, and I'm also not afraid to admit that I'm 100% okay with each and every ounce of it being there. It reminds me of my past, grounds me to my present, and excites me for my future. My innumerable amount of trust issues guard me and keep me alert consistently. I don't walk into a room trusting everyone in it, I actually walk in assuming nothing about anyone. Not distrusting in particular, but not trusting either. It's their job to earn my trust as well as to not lose it.
Well, now that I sound like a stone-cold, heartless bitch...whatever. It's the truth. And it works for me. Because while I can't say that I guard myself from all pain, I can never say that I trusted someone or something too much. I can always say that some piece of me, no matter how minuscule, always knew the truth. I think distrust is a necessary mechanism for existence as a living, breathing, fully-functioning human being. Without it, we are blind and completely vulnerable, which in my mind can't possibly be beneficial. Vulnerability is a fabulous thing in moderation; but, it is very true that distrust, which can seem like our nemesis, can often be our saving attribute.
Distrust is something I've struggled with all my life and this evening has just been one reminder of that after another. We've all got trust issues whether we like to admit it or not, and we all struggle with the reasons behind them as well as reasons for letting them go. They're impossible to escape, and their inevitability usually makes them appear undesirable.
I've never been afraid or ashamed to admit that I am filled to the brim with distrust, and I'm also not afraid to admit that I'm 100% okay with each and every ounce of it being there. It reminds me of my past, grounds me to my present, and excites me for my future. My innumerable amount of trust issues guard me and keep me alert consistently. I don't walk into a room trusting everyone in it, I actually walk in assuming nothing about anyone. Not distrusting in particular, but not trusting either. It's their job to earn my trust as well as to not lose it.
Well, now that I sound like a stone-cold, heartless bitch...whatever. It's the truth. And it works for me. Because while I can't say that I guard myself from all pain, I can never say that I trusted someone or something too much. I can always say that some piece of me, no matter how minuscule, always knew the truth. I think distrust is a necessary mechanism for existence as a living, breathing, fully-functioning human being. Without it, we are blind and completely vulnerable, which in my mind can't possibly be beneficial. Vulnerability is a fabulous thing in moderation; but, it is very true that distrust, which can seem like our nemesis, can often be our saving attribute.
No comments:
Post a Comment