“Tears stream down your face, I promise you I will learn
from my mistakes...lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.” ~Coldplay
That song may or may not be relevant to where this goes at all...but it got me thinking today.
I thought my life had slowed down and things would go back to normal, but it turns out I was wrong. There’s always going to be someone who is affected more by a situation than anyone else. This weekend I went home for the first time since my incident (for those of you who are wondering, I might as well throw it out there: I gave myself alcohol poisoning.), and for the first time in a while I realized just what my purpose is. Not my whole purpose of course, but it’s pretty clear that I have a reason to be on this earth other than the obvious. In the back of my mind, I've always told myself that I wanted to impact people but I've never been able to figure out how to go about that. However, this weekend while having a conversation with a friend from church, I realized that I don’t have to be a preacher or a public figure to influence people, I simply have to live. I've always been able to connect with those younger than me whether they be babies, toddlers, children, or teenagers. During this conversation that opened my eyes, my friend reminded me that so many of the young people I've been loving on all these years have come to look up to me and idolize my actions. They look to me for fashion cues, ways of speaking, even approval in their extra-curricular activities. I've always hidden my mistakes from them because I want to be nothing less than perfect for them.
I thought my life had slowed down and things would go back to normal, but it turns out I was wrong. There’s always going to be someone who is affected more by a situation than anyone else. This weekend I went home for the first time since my incident (for those of you who are wondering, I might as well throw it out there: I gave myself alcohol poisoning.), and for the first time in a while I realized just what my purpose is. Not my whole purpose of course, but it’s pretty clear that I have a reason to be on this earth other than the obvious. In the back of my mind, I've always told myself that I wanted to impact people but I've never been able to figure out how to go about that. However, this weekend while having a conversation with a friend from church, I realized that I don’t have to be a preacher or a public figure to influence people, I simply have to live. I've always been able to connect with those younger than me whether they be babies, toddlers, children, or teenagers. During this conversation that opened my eyes, my friend reminded me that so many of the young people I've been loving on all these years have come to look up to me and idolize my actions. They look to me for fashion cues, ways of speaking, even approval in their extra-curricular activities. I've always hidden my mistakes from them because I want to be nothing less than perfect for them.
Actually, I've done that with everyone. But how can I have a
real influence on anyone being fake? As soon as that thought entered my mind, I
realized that I had two choices to make. Be real and hope that others can love
me through and learn from the mistakes I've made, or continue giving my people
a view of my life through rose-colored glasses. The right decision is pretty
clear: accept my mistakes, put them behind me, and live--not a perfect life--but
a life that I’m proud to advertise.
I remember in my pre-teen years when I met my very first
role model: my 3rd cousin (I think that’s how we’re related…maybe).
She was tall, confident, beautiful, smart, and overall an incredible person; or
at least that’s what I thought until I found out from my mom that she had
gotten pregnant. Not that I think that having a child out of wedlock is a condemnatory thing, but at the time I had her on such a high pedestal that a
slip-up like that crushed me. She had no idea and to this day probably still doesn't but I know for a fact that my actions affect not only myself and my
family, but also my “girls” and my babies.
I want to be their fortress, not the person whose problems they
live and learn through.
I want them to want to emulate my life, not avoid it.
Just a few of the reasons I wrote this. And a few reminders that my life isn't just about me.
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