tonight's thoughts

It's been a while. Per usual, life caused me to forget that I have an occasionally functional blog and I actually really enjoy narrating my life experiences on the World Wide Web. Thanks, Life.

Anyways, tonight I'm jet-lagged and exhausted (a permanent state of being, I guess), curled up in my dimly-lit bedroom with a can of Cheerwine in hand while my cat plays with a straw. I tried calling her, I tried taking away the straw...anything to get her attention, calm her down, and convince her to curl up with or at least near me while I aimlessly peruse Pinterest. And in that moment, watching my little Boo playfully ignore my wishes, I realized how needy I am capable of being.

Weak isn't a word many people would use to describe me. I can act like a b*tch, but as a general rule I just am. And that's not a bad thing--like that's not me putting myself down. It's just a fact of my life. But in my involuntary nature of dominance and strength, I just re-discovered an inherent and powerful weakness...I'm needy.

{seriously, who takes away their pet's toys in an attempt to gain their affection.}

For the longest time, love in my life amounted to nothing more than a superficial notion. Guys "loved" me because I was attractive--I was an eye-pleasing accessory that just turned out to have a generally appealing personality. My parents showed pride in me (which I translated to love) when I performed well in school or dance or sports. Love became an object and the only beings that were incapable of demonstrating love for me superficially were animals. So yeah, I soaked up what I could get from people like a sponge, getting squeezed out and re-quenched only to be emptied again with each endeavor to fill myself.

But I've almost kind of got my life together now so the question of the hour is: why do I still seek fulfillment as if I don't have everything I need? I do this thing where I know someone/something loves me and then I leech love from them like a mosquito does blood. I play this role of someone who has it all together. I pretend to be this trophy acquaintance (daughter or sister of girlfriend or employee or friend--fill in the blank based on context), but the truth of the matter is that I'm still pretty cracked. I don't have all the pieces to the puzzle and even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn't know how to fit them all together.

All that being said, tonight I realized that I'm screwed up. 

I come from a well-off family, I've never been deprived of anything, I live [mostly] stably on my own, I'm ambitious academically as well as socially and professionally, I have a sound relationship with my Heavenly Father...none of that makes me perfect and it never will. 

But somewhere along the line, God is going to use that reality to fill the holes of my spongy, needy little soul and put it at peace with the right people.

And that's all my caffeine-hyped, jet-lagged little brain can muster for tonight.

My Awkward Stage.

It's no secret that I'm a very independent and spontaneous spirit. Everyone who knows me knows that full well.

But there's also a tiny little piece of me that's still a people-pleaser, and I don't think that will ever change.

This is all just hitting me now--I really couldn't care any less about how my friends and others around me perceive me. It's my life, not theirs. 

Some little spark in me, however, is always alive that wants to please my parents. We may not get along, and I'm usually not very partial to them for that reason. In the long run, though, I'm still their kid, and I still want them to be proud of me. And they're my parents--they raised me--so it's not like my relationship with them could ever become irrelevant like a friendship potentially could. I think that's the only thing that keeps me caring. Some resolution has to be reached; no matter how many days, months, or years it takes, it's inevitable.

After my incident in October, I felt like the ultimate failure. I felt like they would never approve of me again and I was from then on responsible for piecing myself together and making something of myself again. Which I did. I became a better person, and I started living life spontaneously, but avoiding doing anything sinful or wrong. So here I sit with my pierced navel and tattooed ankle, preparing to make an independent trip to Georgia in a few days and anticipating my two summer jobs, wondering why the hell my parents can't just like me. And it breaks my heart because I refuse to change myself for anyone...that includes my family. At the same time, I want them to be happy to have me as their daughter, "good girl with bad habits" reputation, piercings, ink, and all. Roadblock.

I know they love me. And maybe I'm just blind, because I know they're "doing their rotten best" (as my mother would say), I just don't think our personalities are compatible; my brain just can't handle being someone's child and an adult at the same time.

"At least 2 dead, 105 injured as two bombs hit Boston Marathon finish line" --National Post

Today's events (which are still unfolding) at the Boston Marathon were devastating, and my heart breaks for everyone affected by them in any way. But I just have to take a moment to spout my thoughts on reactions that I've seen and heard regarding the tragedy's "behind-the-scenes".

Just hours after the bombings and already I was seeing rants on social media about how the government did this to us, how our own nation is out to get us, and how we can't believe what the media tells us about the events. True, the media is able to filter what we know and what we don't, but that doesn't change the fact that these two bombs ended the lives of two innocents and damaged over a hundred others, one of the deceased being an eight-year old boy. So in light of all that, I just wonder: when did it become anyone's job to hyper-analyze the situation and theorize about it?

The fact of the matter is that today's events were rooted in someone's evil intent. Whether or not I ever know who that someone is, and whether or not they are ever brought to justice, I do know that people of all ages and all walks of life have been devastated by that someone's actions. Do I agree that whoever did this is a coward? Absolutely. Do I agree that the government has not always been honest with us? Of course. Do I believe that evil people ought to be found out and punished? With all my heart.

But does that mean that I have a right to sit at this computer and spew conspiracy theoretic word vomit while multitudes of people mourn the day's events and the lives damaged by them? Not a chance.

The same things happened with 9/11, the Sandy Hook shooting, and almost all national emergencies. But just think about it: while hundreds and thousands of people are out there taking action and proactively responding to repair the damage done, what gives us the right to do anything other than respond to this wake-up call in the best way possible for each individual?

I believe that evil exists in our world, but I refuse to believe that anyone is evil enough to stage the kind of evil involved in these incidents.

In the long run, God is in control. Regardless of who committed these crimes, they have no power compared to that of our Creator. He's the one we need, and the one whom we should be trying to hear from and channel as we respond to this catastrophe. Believe it or not, people are inherently good. We're created in God's image. Goodness is in us, it's just suppressed in certain cases. But look at the ones already making an impact just moments after the blasts--not all hope is lost, people.

Love and Equality

Well, since today and tomorrow are "Equality's Days in Court", I've seen a lot of opinions both sensible and foolish being expressed through social media, and they've gotten me thinking. So here goes.

I believe in equality.
But there is much more to the term than the idea of marriage, traditional or homosexual.
Yes, I wholeheartedly believe that government ought not to be left to dictate and define what marriage is (ya know, separation of Church and State--government is not responsible for defining morality), which is my primary reason among others for supporting the equality movement.
But let's just be real with ourselves for a minute--put aside personal bias and pride and really search ourselves as a people. The question of whether or not gay marriage is legalized is not synonymous to the question of whether or not equality becomes prevalent.
The government is able to dictate whatever they please, but if the government tells you that you're no longer allowed to discipline your children, does that stop you from telling your thirteen year old daughter that she'll be in trouble if she breaks your household rules? No. A government is only as powerful as its nation allows it to be.


So if the government legalizes gay marriage, what about this action will bring about "equality"? Why give the government the power to tell us what a family is or is not? If gay marriage is legalized or prohibited, there is no guarantee of acceptance on either side. Everyone holds their own opinion regarding the topic, and no matter the government's decision (on any topic, really), there will always be a group of people who refuse to accept it. It's inevitable.
That being said, shouldn't the idea of equality be left up to individuals without the guidance of their government? Not everyone is going to agree with me on this--I know that, to each his own.

But I also believe in love. Not like a Nicholas Sparks' novel kind of love, but real love, powerful love, love that can change lives. Love that is as close to unconditional as we can get. Love that wraps its arms around people for who, not what, they are. Love that is without personal bias and reaches out without discrimination. Love that forgives, but does not forget; love that is not afraid to speak honestly, but also not afraid to be open-minded. Love that loves endlessly and without expectations.
Love that can be extended to homosexuals and heterosexuals alike, regardless of your religious standpoint.

A Different Kind of Perfect

Nobody's perfect, we all know that full well. The problem is, we all want to be perfect, regardless of the fact that perfection is unattainable.

There is nothing wrong with striving for perfection, but we have to realize what kind of perfection we strive for. More often than not, we strive for popular societal perfection which never ends well. We become people-pleasers and try to fulfill everyone else's expectations for us, leaving ourselves empty and thin-spread.
There's only one perfection that matters, and in order to achieve it we have to experience unconditional love. God is the only one who can love unconditionally, but I believe he personifies this love through certain people that He places in our lives.

For instance, as I type this, I'm having a conversation with my best friend. I've started to do so much better since my October incident and I slipped up last night. Not terribly, but I backslid a little bit. I got a sweet taste of my old life and loved it...until it was over. It all hid me like a tidal wave then, and it scared me and angered me at the same time. I can't afford to take any steps back--I can't afford to turn back down that road that almost ended my life only less than half a year ago. She has every right to judge me and dissect me, tearing me down for every time I've screwed up and had to come clean to her about it. However, I still felt comfortable pouring my heart out to her because I knew she wouldn't do any of those things. All she said was: "Aww baby, I'm so sorry. But don't beat yourself up about it. Just do better next time. Nobody is perfect and we all slip up."
I couldn't say it more perfectly.

How often do we need that reminder? Whether or not you're a believer, there's no denying the beauty behind this kind of love. And once we can accept that kind of love, it becomes easier to see the perfection behind our imperfections. Imperfections are not flaws, they are simply part of who we are. There is only so much we can do before we need to come to terms with the fact that the only type of perfection we ought to strive for is personal perfection. We have to be able to accept unconditional love as it is personified and learn to apply it toward ourselves. We were not created to live out anyone else's vision for our life but God's, and that can only be done by searching ourselves and aspiring toward what is best going to help us meet personal standards. There is nothing more rewarding than coming out of a situation knowing that you did all within your power to meet a standard of perfection--knowing that you are your own kind of perfect, and that is something that can't be taken from you.

The Mess of Life

For any and all of my readers, imaginary or existent, I apologize for my turn in tone lately. Things are changing for me and despite my formerly upbeat recipe posts and what not, life's a mess and that's what I promised to portray when I started this thing: the good, the bad, and the ugly. So here's another piece of my disastrous life and the redemptive, though skewed, beauty that comes when I reflect on it.

I met the most incredible person last year. We started talking, I started getting attached...we all know how the story goes for a girl my age. And now he's gone. Not forever, of course, but enough for me to get emotional as well as to realize that I'm a complete and total train wreck almost all the way around.
Sometimes I just need to know that someone's thinking about me. Maybe it's an 18-year old thing, maybe it's a female thing...maybe it's just me. Regardless of why, I've been feeling really sincerely needy over the past few weeks. Not that I haven't been obnoxiously needy before now, but it's different this time because I know it and I don't know what to do about it. I don't think that it's necessarily wrong; change is hard and the things I've been putting myself through have inspired personal changes that I never would have planned. Truth is, even though I'm making decisions on my own, I want someone to help me. Whether or not I'll push them away is an entirely different story, and I'm subconsciously unwilling to accept the fact that the root of my problem is that I don't want to grow up so fast. I need to--I'm supposed to--but I'm still fighting it.
I want someone to feel for what I'm going through and sympathize and walk me through it; I want to be wanted and coddled. But every so often it hits me: this is my journey, and I'm doing it all to and for myself. The one person I want to lean on the most is inaccessible and there's a reason for that: I've got to get myself on my feet. I've got a destiny, whatever that may be, and it doesn't include me living on a crutch. So here go the baby steps that are somehow going to propel me through the next 3 months as well as the rest of my years, no matter where they lead or what they hold.

trust issues

There's so much on my mind tonight and I don't even know how to organize this post. But here it goes.
Distrust is something I've struggled with all my life and this evening has just been one reminder of that after another. We've all got trust issues whether we like to admit it or not, and we all struggle with the reasons behind them as well as reasons for letting them go. They're impossible to escape, and their inevitability usually makes them appear undesirable.
I've never been afraid or ashamed to admit that I am filled to the brim with distrust, and I'm also not afraid to admit that I'm 100% okay with each and every ounce of it being there. It reminds me of my past, grounds me to my present, and excites me for my future. My innumerable amount of trust issues guard me and keep me alert consistently. I don't walk into a room trusting everyone in it, I actually walk in assuming nothing about anyone. Not distrusting in particular, but not trusting either. It's their job to earn my trust as well as to not lose it.
Well, now that I sound like a stone-cold, heartless bitch...whatever. It's the truth. And it works for me. Because while I can't say that I guard myself from all pain, I can never say that I trusted someone or something too much. I can always say that some piece of me, no matter how minuscule, always knew the truth. I think distrust is a necessary mechanism for existence as a living, breathing, fully-functioning human being. Without it, we are blind and completely vulnerable, which in my mind can't possibly be beneficial. Vulnerability is a fabulous thing in moderation; but, it is very true that distrust, which can seem like our nemesis, can often be our saving attribute.