tonight's thoughts

It's been a while. Per usual, life caused me to forget that I have an occasionally functional blog and I actually really enjoy narrating my life experiences on the World Wide Web. Thanks, Life.

Anyways, tonight I'm jet-lagged and exhausted (a permanent state of being, I guess), curled up in my dimly-lit bedroom with a can of Cheerwine in hand while my cat plays with a straw. I tried calling her, I tried taking away the straw...anything to get her attention, calm her down, and convince her to curl up with or at least near me while I aimlessly peruse Pinterest. And in that moment, watching my little Boo playfully ignore my wishes, I realized how needy I am capable of being.

Weak isn't a word many people would use to describe me. I can act like a b*tch, but as a general rule I just am. And that's not a bad thing--like that's not me putting myself down. It's just a fact of my life. But in my involuntary nature of dominance and strength, I just re-discovered an inherent and powerful weakness...I'm needy.

{seriously, who takes away their pet's toys in an attempt to gain their affection.}

For the longest time, love in my life amounted to nothing more than a superficial notion. Guys "loved" me because I was attractive--I was an eye-pleasing accessory that just turned out to have a generally appealing personality. My parents showed pride in me (which I translated to love) when I performed well in school or dance or sports. Love became an object and the only beings that were incapable of demonstrating love for me superficially were animals. So yeah, I soaked up what I could get from people like a sponge, getting squeezed out and re-quenched only to be emptied again with each endeavor to fill myself.

But I've almost kind of got my life together now so the question of the hour is: why do I still seek fulfillment as if I don't have everything I need? I do this thing where I know someone/something loves me and then I leech love from them like a mosquito does blood. I play this role of someone who has it all together. I pretend to be this trophy acquaintance (daughter or sister of girlfriend or employee or friend--fill in the blank based on context), but the truth of the matter is that I'm still pretty cracked. I don't have all the pieces to the puzzle and even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn't know how to fit them all together.

All that being said, tonight I realized that I'm screwed up. 

I come from a well-off family, I've never been deprived of anything, I live [mostly] stably on my own, I'm ambitious academically as well as socially and professionally, I have a sound relationship with my Heavenly Father...none of that makes me perfect and it never will. 

But somewhere along the line, God is going to use that reality to fill the holes of my spongy, needy little soul and put it at peace with the right people.

And that's all my caffeine-hyped, jet-lagged little brain can muster for tonight.