Held.

Sometimes life just hurts.

Sometimes I feel weak, alone, and empty.

Today was one of those days. This morning I was drenched in God's presence, but as soon as I stepped out of the church building life smacked me in the face simply because it was April 19th and April 19th is an emotional day. I spent most of the day angry. Angry at my family for having the nerve to address me on a hard day. Angry at my friends for not responding immediately to my texts. Angry at God for taking away one of my biggest inspirations and forcing me to live the past two years, and the rest of my life, without her. I ugly-cried way more than I like to believe is possible, I screamed at the top of my lungs, I slammed my fists on my steering wheel. I lost it. I was overwhelmed, I was exhausted, I was broken, and I thought that I had completely drained myself of the God-connection I had fed and prayed for and soaked in only hours earlier. So I did the only thing I could think to do-I wrapped myself in a blanket, I turned off the lights, I turned on our then-favorite worship music playlist, and I read three years worth of old messages. Tear-jerking, gut-wrenching messages that reminded me of how difficult her journey was and refreshed my anger because she didn't. want. to go. But then I turned my focus. I read my messages to her. Heart-breaking messages that reminded me of how broken I was.

You know, it's amazing when we just take a second and gain some perspective; when we step back and look at the bigger picture. Because throughout those thousands of confessions and rants and breakdowns, the healing was palpable. Just by her listening and loving and being. One of the last messages I have from her is a whole description of how she shared her story with someone to encourage self-forgiveness. She opened herself up and made herself vulnerable. She let her story speak for itself and do its work in someone else's life, and "through that talk...I am now able to say...it is well with my soul...."

He knows us and He meets us. He met her right where she was, every time. She found God in her pain and her failure. That's where He met her and that's where she allowed Him to hold her-right in the middle of it all.

Here I sit in the wake of hours and hours of grief and confusion and here He holds me. Here He wipes my tears and here He speaks into me. Here in the middle of my ugly and my angry and my screaming and crying, I feel held and I feel at peace. This day may never get any easier as the years continue to roll by. This day may always be filled with crocodile tears and gruff sobbing and hysteric screaming. And that's okay because He can take all of those things and in the midst of it all simply hold me to His heart.