The past month has been one hit after another.
A month ago I was in a wreck and told to lay low for a week or two.
A day later I underwent a pretty not-awesome relationship loss.
The following week, my dog's health declined and for a few days his death was almost imminent.
A week later, I came down with a virus that tore up my throat and respiratory system.
My mom's health took a hit a week ago and I spent the week between hospital and home, scrambling to make sure she was okay--to make sure everyone else is okay.
Since the day of that wreck, I have been a wreck; when people ask how I am doing, I find it harder and harder to respond with the peppy, expected: "I'm great". For a few days I spent every second alone in tears, asking myself and God why He just kept taking from me when I thought I was at my peak. I had lost everything but my joy and I was terrified that even that could start slipping at any second.
But today I woke up and rolled over and decided to do something about it. My shoulders aren't tight anymore, I'm no longer disoriented, and this mess stops now. So I took a run, to clear my head and to kind of kick start myself back into a routine, and goodness did it hurt. It was the kind of pain that breaks you, it was weakness pain. My body wanted to quit, my mind wanted to retreat, and my spirit wanted to lie down, and when I was finished, I felt the full displeasure of my legs and my lungs.
Life has been a mess, I have been a mess, and that is still the case for the time being. You know how a lot of times we have revelations of God? "But God moments", if you will. Well that's not a thing for me right now. And after eating and stretching, I sat on my yoga mat and just pouted for a minute. Where is my moment? When does this get better? Why can't life just cut me some slack?
A month ago I was in a wreck and told to lay low for a week or two.
A day later I underwent a pretty not-awesome relationship loss.
The following week, my dog's health declined and for a few days his death was almost imminent.
A week later, I came down with a virus that tore up my throat and respiratory system.
My mom's health took a hit a week ago and I spent the week between hospital and home, scrambling to make sure she was okay--to make sure everyone else is okay.
Since the day of that wreck, I have been a wreck; when people ask how I am doing, I find it harder and harder to respond with the peppy, expected: "I'm great". For a few days I spent every second alone in tears, asking myself and God why He just kept taking from me when I thought I was at my peak. I had lost everything but my joy and I was terrified that even that could start slipping at any second.
But today I woke up and rolled over and decided to do something about it. My shoulders aren't tight anymore, I'm no longer disoriented, and this mess stops now. So I took a run, to clear my head and to kind of kick start myself back into a routine, and goodness did it hurt. It was the kind of pain that breaks you, it was weakness pain. My body wanted to quit, my mind wanted to retreat, and my spirit wanted to lie down, and when I was finished, I felt the full displeasure of my legs and my lungs.
Life has been a mess, I have been a mess, and that is still the case for the time being. You know how a lot of times we have revelations of God? "But God moments", if you will. Well that's not a thing for me right now. And after eating and stretching, I sat on my yoga mat and just pouted for a minute. Where is my moment? When does this get better? Why can't life just cut me some slack?
"My heart beating, my soul breathing, I found my life when I laid it down.
Upward falling, Spirit soaring, I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground."
Hillsong United, Touch the Sky
I don't need a moment, I've got a lifetime. I don't need to just snap out of my trials, and the fact of the matter is that I'm not going to. And that's okay, because when my life crumbles, the pieces are falling upward and every time I need to be rebuilt He constructs something stronger and more beautiful and more powerful than my own vision.
{I have seen the task that God has given people to keep them occupied. He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also put eternity in their hearts, but man cannot discover the work God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11}
