I by definition am a worrier. I am 100 110% type A. I want control of everything. I need to plan, to make lists, to maintain 4 different calendars (true story)--just to feel like I have things in order. Organization is my life blood (second only to coffee) and the more structured my days and the further in advance they are planned, the happier I am. That's how I've always been, that's probably how I always will be.
Surrendering control has, from the beginning of time, been my biggest struggle and continues to be. That's just how my brain is wired. I like nothing less than to rely on others, because that takes the control out of my hands. My emotions and probably my sanity are locked in a glass case that only I have the key to--and so help me if someone does something that may take a piece of control from me and drops a little rock on my case. It's a world-shaker for me.
Sorry for sounding like a crazy person, but c'est la vie.
All of that being said, I had this really interesting breakthrough today. I'm not going to get crazy and say that I had an entire revolution and all in a moment dropped control of my life at the feet of my Father and experienced a weight lifting off my shoulders, because that is hard. And a really difficult, painful process for me that I have to relive constantly, day in and day out. Life change sucks when you're like me and this past week a life change presented itself. {world-shaking}
Surrendering control has, from the beginning of time, been my biggest struggle and continues to be. That's just how my brain is wired. I like nothing less than to rely on others, because that takes the control out of my hands. My emotions and probably my sanity are locked in a glass case that only I have the key to--and so help me if someone does something that may take a piece of control from me and drops a little rock on my case. It's a world-shaker for me.
Sorry for sounding like a crazy person, but c'est la vie.
All of that being said, I had this really interesting breakthrough today. I'm not going to get crazy and say that I had an entire revolution and all in a moment dropped control of my life at the feet of my Father and experienced a weight lifting off my shoulders, because that is hard. And a really difficult, painful process for me that I have to relive constantly, day in and day out. Life change sucks when you're like me and this past week a life change presented itself. {world-shaking}
Side note: finding jobs is N O T easy or stress-free when you have an awkward class schedule and no degree.
Anyways, my glass case has been shaking pretty hard. Like, imagine a rock slide coming down on your iPhone and that's about how my crazy brain sees the idea of a "what-if?" in my life. My emotions might show. I might be seen as not having it together, as not knowing what I'm doing, as unsuccessful. And THAT would be the end of the world, right? That's how it registers for me.
See, I am in a relationship with a God who knows me more deeply than the deepest ocean and loves me more fervently than any Nicholas Sparks character has ever known. And in these moments of shock and disbelief and hidden terror, He whispers in my ear a reminder that He's got this. He's got me. But I'm me and a) I don't like when things get too close to my face and b) I have a habit of disregarding things I don't immediately agree with. So I pull away from those whispers and they fall on deaf ears. That's when I am reminded of just how well He knows me. Because if someone doesn't get the whisper, they're sure to get the shout, and shout He does. Today was one amazing thing after another. I had a super productive morning and in the middle of it received a call about setting up an interview, which is crazy because I literally just started job hunting 20 hours prior. I got so many reminders from friends and family who are so crazy good at allowing Jesus to use them to be His voice when He really needs to get through to me (Thanks, Jessie Chamberlain).
Ya know, I think we I have this skewed view of encouragement where I confuse it with uplifting. Sometimes encouragement is just a reminder that everything is fine. That maybe I'm not sure and maybe I'm not going to be sure for a while and that's okay. And just like that, I felt peace. Peace that was inexplicable and overwhelming and just washed over all my stress and worry and took over my mind. Maybe it's just for today. Maybe this job won't be the one for me. Maybe nothing will happen for me yet. But amidst the maybes, there's a resounding definite--I will definitely be okay, and God's perfect plan will definitely come about.
