For any and all of my readers, imaginary or existent, I apologize for my turn in tone lately. Things are changing for me and despite my formerly upbeat recipe posts and what not, life's a mess and that's what I promised to portray when I started this thing: the good, the bad, and the ugly. So here's another piece of my disastrous life and the redemptive, though skewed, beauty that comes when I reflect on it.
I met the most incredible person last year. We started talking, I started getting attached...we all know how the story goes for a girl my age. And now he's gone. Not forever, of course, but enough for me to get emotional as well as to realize that I'm a complete and total train wreck almost all the way around.
Sometimes I just need to know that someone's thinking about me. Maybe it's an 18-year old thing, maybe it's a female thing...maybe it's just me. Regardless of why, I've been feeling really sincerely needy over the past few weeks. Not that I haven't been obnoxiously needy before now, but it's different this time because I know it and I don't know what to do about it. I don't think that it's necessarily wrong; change is hard and the things I've been putting myself through have inspired personal changes that I never would have planned. Truth is, even though I'm making decisions on my own, I want someone to help me. Whether or not I'll push them away is an entirely different story, and I'm subconsciously unwilling to accept the fact that the root of my problem is that I don't want to grow up so fast. I need to--I'm supposed to--but I'm still fighting it.
I want someone to feel for what I'm going through and sympathize and walk me through it; I want to be wanted and coddled. But every so often it hits me: this is my journey, and I'm doing it all to and for myself. The one person I want to lean on the most is inaccessible and there's a reason for that: I've got to get myself on my feet. I've got a destiny, whatever that may be, and it doesn't include me living on a crutch. So here go the baby steps that are somehow going to propel me through the next 3 months as well as the rest of my years, no matter where they lead or what they hold.
I met the most incredible person last year. We started talking, I started getting attached...we all know how the story goes for a girl my age. And now he's gone. Not forever, of course, but enough for me to get emotional as well as to realize that I'm a complete and total train wreck almost all the way around.
Sometimes I just need to know that someone's thinking about me. Maybe it's an 18-year old thing, maybe it's a female thing...maybe it's just me. Regardless of why, I've been feeling really sincerely needy over the past few weeks. Not that I haven't been obnoxiously needy before now, but it's different this time because I know it and I don't know what to do about it. I don't think that it's necessarily wrong; change is hard and the things I've been putting myself through have inspired personal changes that I never would have planned. Truth is, even though I'm making decisions on my own, I want someone to help me. Whether or not I'll push them away is an entirely different story, and I'm subconsciously unwilling to accept the fact that the root of my problem is that I don't want to grow up so fast. I need to--I'm supposed to--but I'm still fighting it.
I want someone to feel for what I'm going through and sympathize and walk me through it; I want to be wanted and coddled. But every so often it hits me: this is my journey, and I'm doing it all to and for myself. The one person I want to lean on the most is inaccessible and there's a reason for that: I've got to get myself on my feet. I've got a destiny, whatever that may be, and it doesn't include me living on a crutch. So here go the baby steps that are somehow going to propel me through the next 3 months as well as the rest of my years, no matter where they lead or what they hold.
